Peaky Blinders

Dear blog,

So I’m currently hooked on this TV series called Peaky Blinders. Someone introduced it to me & now I can’t stop watching it. I don’t know, watching it makes me feel like I’m in a different era, which is exactly what I need to escape reality once in a while.

It’s been so effin hot lately that I’ve turned to cold beverages and nibbling on ice. Ikr.

I’ve just mixed myself some Vodka Mud Shake with some ice cream on top and lots & lots of ice. Pure bliss. 

Why does Sunday always have to be extra hot, I wonder? It would be cool to wake up to rain sometimes.

*     *     *     *     *

“You’ve told me about her like a gentleman, now kindly behave like a gangster again” - May @ Peaky Blinders

🎧🎵

Sick.

That Antibiotic, tho. Drats

Light your cigarette and tell me how I make the world okay

Dear Blog,

It’s Easter! Time seems to fly by quickly these days.

I got soaked while running in the rain 2 days ago. Now I have a running nose and feel like shit. Need to medicate myself before work tomorrow.

You know what? Adulting sucks. I wish I could sleep all day and not think about work right now. I feel weak and vulnerable, not a good combo for a workaholic such as myself.

*   *   *   *   * 

“Dear me,

I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry that I didn’t give you enough time to heal, that I let you seal the wounds of everyone else whilst yours were still bleeding. I’m sorry that there were days when smiling hurt but you forced yourself to laugh so that no one had to worry about you. I’m sorry that there were days where you cried yourself under the shower so no one could see your pain. And I am so sorry I did not love you, like you deserved to be loved.”

Happy Birthday Pinky!

Everybody's so busy being hurt that nobody's being themselves

Five Feet Apart

Dear Blog,

I just got back from watching ‘Five Feet Apart’ with my brother. We caught the midnight show.

Haley & Cole were amazing at playing their roles. Towards the ending I already felt tears streaming down my face. Arghhh #%@!

Had to wipe that shit off before anyone saw.

Thank God I did not go to the theatre with my mates.

*   *   *   *   *

- “If this is all we get, then let's take it. I want to be fearless and free," she says, giving me a look, daring me. "It's just life, Will. It'll be over before we know it”

Farther Down

Farther down
I'm desperate for you
Where you never have to know
Farther down
I'm still without a clue
Till something
Something takes my pain away 🎧

Can’t Help Falling in Love

I swear, the only reason I’m watching this film right now (Can’t Help Falling in Love) is because the Boogie forced me into it. But then I got really into it because the actor (Daniel Padilla) is really hot. 

Like wtf, he is a really ridiculously good looking human.

I’m like literally just continuing watching this lame ass movie because seeing him makes me happy. 

I am but an embarrassment to the female race.

*   *   *   *   *

“Because once you’ve tasted hope, you get addicted to it” - Dos @  Can’t Help Falling in Love

Yes, I feel pain. Yes, it burns like hell

So I’ve been napping and indulging on some Cookies and Cream ice cream all day long while watching ‘The Umbrella Academy’. After that I smoked some shit up while listening to Panic! at the Disco’s, ‘New Perspective’ on repeat. 

I wonder if this is what a broken heart feels like?

There was a knock on my bedroom door while I was taking a hit and I heard my Mom calling out my name from the other side. 

“Er, yeah?” I mumbled my words out.

“It’s Mom, can you open the door?”

Shit.

I dusted myself warily and opened the door. Turns out she needed some cash and while I can see her brain sensing I had just taken a puff (my Mom can’t stand anyone who smokes), she held her tongue as it is probably impolite to chastice someone who is about to hand you money, lol.

Sometimes I hate myself.

*   *   *   *   *

- Someone once asked, “Why do you love music so much?” I replied, “Because it’s the only thing that stays when everything and everyone is gone.”

Silence is better than unnecessary drama

At times, I don’t know what it takes to be human anymore.

*   *   *   *   *

- Sometimes you just need someone to tell you that you are not terrible as you think you are

Do not try this at home!

Dear blog,

After MJ’s impending drama yesterday, the crew and I suddenly had this brilliant idea to experiment with helium balloons. We always wondered if inhaling helium from a balloon would give you a squeaky voice, so we decided to test out that theory.

We bought some balloons from some party shop in CP & tried them out by the river park. I figured the activity could act as a stress reliever for MJ who seemed really upset over her whole ordeal.

FYI, the helium effect was LEGIT real.

I’ve never laughed so hard in my life.

*   *   *   *   *

Good friends don't let you do stupid things... alone.

Road Trippin

Say you’ll be my girls for life, girls for life 🎧

Sometimes being a busy bee makes me feel rotten

Her smile dared me to fall in love with her

So I was on my way back to work from Speedmart today and came across this punk rock chick who was dressed in black and looked as though she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. 

But then she looked up at me and smiled like I put the stars in her eyes.

Wait wha-? For a moment I just stood there and then found myself smiling back at her as we politely crossed paths. 

I get it now when they say people appear more beautiful when they are smiling.

I don’t know why but that girl made my day.

For Real.

Tbh

It was a pain that had no name

Some days

Naps with this one

One of the many credentials my siblings possess is to take candid shots of us sleeping with this animal & post it to the fam group chat 🙄

Netflix and chill, they say

I was made for sunny days.

There I was, looking out the wide open window, eyes closed, face towards the sun when I heard my name being called out.

"Mitch!"

"Yeah!?" feeling irritated, I forced my eyes open & blinked under the blaring sun.

"What are you doing?" my colleague climbed the last of his steps towards our 2nd floor & peered at me curiously.

"I uhm...." I rolled my eyes. "I'm standing underneath the sun trying to get warm, ok?"

I swear, the air conditioning in my office is getting out of hand.

Green Mug

Today my dad surprised both me & boog with our favorite beverage for breakfast. 

Green mug hazelnut cheese coffee. 😋😋😋

Tbh, I think it was because he saw me sleeping for 12 hrs straight & thought I was emotionally depressed or something & felt the need to reach out to me. Through said beverage.

Lol. My dad never cease to amaze me.

- Grief is like living two lives. One is where you pretend that everything is alright, and the other is where your heart silently screams in pain.

My dad has the most awesome daughter in the world.

3:15PM

So my Dad just called me at work to thank me for assisting him in his workload yesterday. 

Dad: Thank you, daughter

Me: You’re welcome, father

Ikr, my dad & I sometimes pretend we’re in a different century where formality is a norm

3.30PM

Eating butter cookies while doing the Labor Work Force report

Mulling Over

“I just feel like... I have this body, you know? And every day it gets up and puts on clothes and gets me from point A to point B. But it’s like it’s not mine anymore or something.”

- 13 Reasons Why

Exhausted

Hi there,

So it’s been a while since I blogged about anything. Tbh, I’ve been so busy with work lately that I mostly end up sleeping on the couch when I get home. 

Old habits do not die fast. Hello neck pain.

I wanna concentrate more on my crafts but I legit do not have the energy after a long day of work.

Anyway, my colleague caught me breathing in the scent of some chinese tea leaves from my brown paper bag today. 

Awkward.

She asked why I did it and I told her it reminded me of the forest. 

I seriously need to disappear for a couple of days and get lost in nature. Camping out with a few good books and some hot chocolate for the night sounds really great right now.

TGIF

Last night I fell asleep on the living room couch and woke up with a terrible neck ache. This dratted pain has been bothering me all day. 

It’s safe to say that will be the last time I’m ever sleeping on that thing. Except when I’m taking a nap. Or something. But hell to the nah am I treating that thing as a bed again. 

My poor neck.

On another note, my Mom’s on her way to the Balkan’s and the only reason I wish I was on that trip is because she will be visiting Dracula’s castle. 

Oh December, can’t you come any sooner?

Learn to Trust the Journey, Even if you do not Understand it

So I watched ‘Titanic’ again. It was the only thing on TV worth watching, so yeah. I’ve seen this film so many times I don’t understand how I always end up crying at the end e.v.e.r.y time. This is the reason I don’t do sappy movies. 

After the movie was over, I started walking around the house, cleaning things up and wondering why they had to kill Jack’s character. I hate when a movie affects me like this. Stranger things, Lady in White, E.T., It, Magic in the Water, you know those type- that make you believe in love and magic and make you feel all sorts of feels? And when it’s over, you just like sit there, not knowing what to do next. 

Then you realize you have work tomorrow and hate your life. I’m trying to be positive until my last day of work but it’s really hard. I keep wishing for December to be over so I could finally take a long break & see the world.

 

Dear God, I don’t ask for much but it would be really cool if you could help me through these five months in one piece. I feel I have lost my way and all I want to do is come back from the edge but I can’t because I’m stuck here due to obligations. 

All I want is for my job to finally become a phantom of a memory and the only remnants of it will be the scars on my fingers and the bags under my eyes from all the sleepless nights and reports made from this insane period in my life. 

Baby It’s Cold Outside

So I forgot to bring my hoodie to work again today. I nearly died from the cold. I swear my office is like an ice cream freezer. I’ve long since given up hope on office jackets as they don’t seem to be doing jack shit to shield you from the cold. Not being able to concentrate on work because you’re busy freezing your ass off is so not cool.

Nevertheless, I’ve been staring at the computer all day scanning through details of the long service award ceremony that’s going to take place sometime around next week. There’s tons of work to be done. I’m getting sick just thinking about it. All this planning and ordering of door gifts and making sure the headcount is correct is giving me a headache. It’s putting everyone on edge.

Can’t wait for all this to blow over already.

Sucking too Hard on your Lollipop, Oh Love’s Gonna Get you Down

So I barely made it to work today as I subconsciously turned off my alarm clock when it went off this morning. 

"Aren't you going to work today?" a loud voice resonated through the cold morning air.

I nearly fell off my bed. "Whaa - what time is it?"

"Dude, it's 7:30," the Boogie replied. Boogie is my younger sister who I carpool to work with every morning.

I scampered towards the kitchen table, stuffed two biscuits into my mouth and quickly gulped down a cup of coffee. 

While showering, my mind did a quick recap of last night's scene. My brother accidentally woke the whole household because of a dispute he had with his girlfriend. He was making quite a ruckus as he scrambled for his car keys and sped to her house in his boxers in the middle of the night to try and fix the situation. 

Young love.

That gurl has gone above and beyond for my brother so he really needs to get his temper in check. It’s the curse of the Augustin temper, I tell ya.

I can’t remember the last time someone would go to the extreme for me after an argument. When I’m mad at my boo, I either sleep it off or cool down for a bit before speaking to him again. I’m probably getting too old for this kind of drama.

Ramblings

Today my brother, his girlfriend and I stopped by Hyatt after work for some milkshake & pizza. I opted for a hazelnut chocolate flavour and it tasted like a piece of heaven going down my throat. It’s been awhile since I tasted milkshake this good.

Anyhow, the last of my wisdom tooth is emerging and it hurts like hell. I’m getting a fever just bearing with the pain. Why do humans have to go through this painful period in our lives? Why?

I’M BLOGGING AGAIN. WTF.

Today I was watching a short clip of ducks on Twitter and it took me back to the day Dad decided we needed some ducks. One day I came home and they were just there, two of them. Roaming around in our backyard like they owned the place. After less than a week, they escaped through a drain near our house. 

Anyway, you know that one mug you tend to feel ultra-possessive about? Well mine has a picture of Santa Claus on it and his left arm forms the handle. Tbh, it really isn’t my mug to begin with. It was a Christmas present given to my younger sister by one of her colleagues. One day I started making Chinese tea in it and now I automatically use it for other beverages. It has become my loyal sidekick.

On another note, I hurt myself while walking past the kitchen counter yesterday. One of these days I'm going to saw down that edge!

Road Trip!

9:36 AM

Good morning. Fell asleep on my bedroom carpet last night, lol.

9:38 AM

Almost forgot about our road trip today. The Boogie and I are taking my older sister to spend the night at Borneo Paradise for her birthday. The chef helped in baking her birthday cake and everything. I guess we all need a vacation, all of us have been working really hard at our jobs.

9:44 AM

Anyway, I'm starting to spend lesser time at the office. Tbh, I'm a perfectionist and tend to put in more hours at work because my attitude is that it can always be better. It was always overtime(x3). Eventually, I realized the more I work, the more people find me for unnecessary things because I never refuse. 

9:55 AM

So now I'm learning to reward myself with some down-time. Hell, I'm supposed to work to live, not live to work! 

10:01 AM

On another note, my siblings and I were watching 'Flipped' the other day and after the movie I found my older sister at the kitchen sink humming to herself while finishing off the dishes.

Me: Dayum, we should watch more old movies.

Boogie: Why? (Yelling from the living room)

Me: So it would inspire Moguei to wash more dishes during her free time.

Moguei: Shut up. 

😂

Books to pack for my epic road trip

The Falling

Hi. 

Happy Independence Day M'sia! 

But anyway, today DID NOT feel like a holiday for me. Basically, there was a problem with the payroll so you can guess that it's not exactly a happy day for me. My mind was mostly elsewhere.

Thinking about WORK.

Either way, to keep my mind off things, I watched 'The Falling' as the Boogie was telling me that both Gary and her fell asleep watching it. She suggested I give it a go so I could narrate the ending for her.

At the end of the movie I was like, "Wtf did I just watch?"

Can you blame me? It was all about a bunch of girls pretending they were possessed or something.

There was also that whole incest scenario, which was pretty gross.

Throwback: On our way to watch 'Train to Busan'

Still Pretty?

Hemlock Grove

00:05

Stayed home all day watching Hemlock Grove. Yupe, another werewolf show, while eating a bowl full of cherries from bae. <3

00:08

The ultimate ending to a perfect weekend.

00:09

Work tomorrow. Genite.

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- "You know how when you close your ears sometimes the sound of your heart is like a little man walking through snow?" ~Roman in Hemlock Grove (Brian McGreevy)

Sense8

22:24

So I'm currently watching this new TV Series called 'Sense8'. Gotta say, the plot is really really really slow. After some time, I just wanna hurl out and be like, "Okay I get it. Everyone's connected. Now can we PLEASE get to the good part already!"

22:27

Anyhow, I just realized in between sips of coffee that every time I pause the video, there are all these advertisements to the right that reads, "Her passion knows no BONDARIES", or "This naughty game will make your innermost desires come true". And, "Take note! You can be a millionaire in a week!" 

22:43

I mean, do people actually click on this bs? *smh*

22:49

Well, my instincts were right, btw. My period came today. 

22:50

Bloody HELL. 

22:51

Life is so unfair. I don't see why men never have to go through this dern cycle.

Sometimes, in the midst of all your drama, you just need a cupcake

Dear Blog,

Today was a good day. Bae showed up with cupcakes at my workplace. *Big grin*

Anyway, throwback to a couple of days when Bae and I had an argument.

 

Bae's peace offering.

  

Tbh, I don't even remember what the argument was all about alr. lol.

Yupe. 

It's official. 

My period's definitely around the corner.

- This is what I like about photographs. They're proof that once, even if just for a heartbeat, everything was perfect.

Stranger Things

Dear Blog,

I'm officially obsessed with this new TV Series called 'Stranger Things'. 

Yesterday, I couldn't help myself. I kept watching one episode after another. That darn feeling of wanting to know what happened next kept nagging at me. In the end, I finished watching the whole damn Season. By then, it was already three in the morning. And I had work in a few hours. Ikr.

PLEASE DEAR GOD let there be a Season Two!

*    *    *    *    * 

Stranger Things (Season 1 - Ep. 8)

Mike: See, I was thinking, once all this is over and Will's back and you're not a secret anymore, my parents can get you an actual bed for the basement. Or you can take my room if you want, since I'm down there all the time anyways. My point is, they'll take care of you. They'll be like your new parents, and Nancy, she'll be like your new sister.

Eleven: Will you be like my brother? 

Mike: What? No, no. [scoffs] 

Eleven: Why "no"? 

Mike: Because [sighs] 'cause it's different.

Eleven: Why? 

Mike: [sighs] I mean, I don't know, I guess it's not... It's stupid.

Eleven: Mike? 

Mike: Yeah? 

Eleven: Friends don't lie.

Mike: [Sighing] Well I was thinking... I don't know, maybe we can go to the Snow Ball together.

Eleven: Snow Ball? 

Mike: It's this cheesy school dance, where you go in the gym and dance to music and stuff. I've never been, but I know you're not supposed to go with your sister.

Eleven: No? 

Mike: I mean you can, but it'd be really weird. You go to school dances with someone that, you know... someone that you like.

Eleven: A friend? 

Mike: Not a friend. Uh... someone like a... 

*awkward kiss*

Skylar: The Sky;

22:45

Watched 'Dance Moms' with the siblings while freezing my ass off in the living room. I swear people in this house can't live without the aircond!

22:49

Anyway, this is random but I think the name Skylar is pretty cool. So naming one of my children Skylar one day. If I were to have any. Okay. Awkward.

Random.

It's the freakin' weekend

15:51

Woke up to an annoying sound outside my bedroom window. Well, that's the grass cutter woken up from it's sleep, by none other than my good ol' Dad. Ugh. NAH NOW DAD, not on a weekend!

15:57

Anyway, so here I am listening to a bunch of new songs by blink-182.

15:58

Thank God for the returning of blink-182. Tbh, I was getting bored to death of all the Kanye West and Adele shit.

16:20

Too LAZY to go to work today. I deserve to do nothing on my weekend. I've been working too hard.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *

Teen Wolf - Season 2 - (Ep 12)

Allison: I'm sorry.

Scott: You don't have to say you're sorry.

Allison: I do. I have to for what I did and what I said. For everything. Especially for what I have to do now.

Scott: It's okay.

Allison: No, it's not.

Scott: It is.

Allison: Scott, I'm trying to break up with you.

Scott: I know. And it's okay.

Allison: How is that okay?

Scott: Because I can wait.

Allison: I can't make you wait for me. I'm not going to do that.

Scott: You don't have to. Because I know we're gonna be together.

Allison: There's no such thing as fate.

Scott: There's no such thing as werewolves.

I don't crave anyone who will fix me, just someone who will hold my hand while I fix myself

12:48

I don't know. Feeling pretty confused lately.

12:49

Came home after work and watched a little Teen Wolf.

12:50

Had the chance to look at my phone and realized there were several miscalls and sarcastic texts from the chef. He can be such a jerk sometimes.

12:51

Was so furious at him that I ate the yam cake I was saving for when he came over.

12:52

Missing those times where I can come home and just relax after a hard day's work.

12:55

I swear, I'm getting too old for this kind of drama.

12:56

Maybe I'm just better off being on my own.  

* * * * * * *

- I think it's beautiful when you have found that particular person who you can talk about almost anything to, without the fear of being judged. Because that kind of person is hard to find; so when you find them, keep them. <3

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

Dear Blog,

I'm feeling like an asshole.

Sincerely,

The biggest Asshole.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *

Teen Wolf - Season 1 - (Ep 11)

Allison : What ?

Scott : It's just hard not to look at you.

Allison : I like it when you look at me.

Scott : I remember this one time, Uh - I was holding you and you fell asleep in my arms and - I was watching you and I thought, "I could stay like this for hours." And then - you started drooling and it got kinda disgusting. And then my arm fell asleep with your head on it and pins and needles started to hurt.

Allison : Okay. Shut up.

Let's runaway to the place where love first found us

22:28
Can't help but feel that there's something off with the chef today. He doesn't seem to be his cheery old self.

22:29
So I had dinner with my siblings again today after work. We hung out at Vinox and in the midst of texting the chef where I was, my phone died.

22:30
Got home and there was a sarcastic text from him that said "busy eating?"

22:31
Jeez. He can be pretty oblivious to my feelings sometimes. I explained the situation with my phone but it didn't look as though he bought it. Grrr.

22:33
Anyway, there was a mini buffet going on in the office pantry today. All my muslem friends chipped in with their raya foodies and everyone was pleased to death. I feel fat already.

22:37
I really need a cigarette right now but I'm pretty broke, so I guess I'll just lay low for awhile. This is ridiculous.

* * * * * * *

"Maybe falling in love again won’t fix your heart. Maybe you need to fall in love with the little things first. Fall in love with moments and seconds and seasons, with objects and sunsets and rain and the moon. Fall in love with fictional characters and the smell of a new book. Fall in love with coming home after a long day and pouring yourself a hot cup of coffee. Fall in love with yourself, your freckles, your waist, your smile, that dimple on your cheek. And whenever you’re ready, fall in love with me."

In the A.M.

05:14
Good morning.

05:15
Woke up suddenly to pee. And now I can't sleep.

05:16
So here's a brief recap of my day yesterday.
The Boog and I met the chef after work because being the forgetful person that I am, I accidentally left my handbag in his car during his Raya open house last Saturday night.

05:22
The cute dork had prepared me my favorite mushroom pasta and salad to take home.

05:24
Needless to say as we drove off, I was too busy sniffing my bag while he waved goodbye because I just realized that one of his cats had peed in my Coach bag.

05:27
Well, he texted me after that on how I had "forgotten" to wave at him and had it been me driving, he'd have me reverse the car and return his wave.

05:34
Anyway, we picked the Mougster up at Megalong and she was with this tall dude who turned out to be our cousin. He's so tall he's almost 6 feet tall.

05:38
We hung out at Lembah Impian and got to know him a little further. Turns out, we're related through my maternal grandma's side. He'd been staying in Kota Marudu all this time while taking care of his ailing father who recently passed away.

05:48
I just can't begin to imagine how it must've felt like losing a father.

05:49
Well, I guess I better catch some snooze before I start work.

You like potato and I like potahto, You like tomato and I like tomahto. Potato, potahto, tomato, tomahto

21:30

I'm blogging again. Wtf.

21:31

Listening to Miniature Tigers - The Wolf. Over and over again. I'm obsessed.

21:32

Can't believe I'm just starting to watch Teen Wolf - Season 1. Ikr? I'm pretty outdated. Was so busy concentrating on other TV shows like The Originals and Outcast that I neglected to consider this awesome series. Who knew.

21:34

On another note, I think I'm putting on weight. It's like I don't care how I look like anymore. Wth is wrong with me?

21:35

I have also been avoiding going to a lot of family functions. I don't know why. Mostly I just prefer hanging out with myself. I'm starting to feel that I have a high potential of being a hermit.

21:37

Feeling selfish for not paying attention to other humans around me.

21:39

Noun: hermit; a person living in solitude as a religious discipline. 

21:40

I take that back.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *

Teen Wolf -  Season 1 (Ep 6)

Stiles : That's fine. Look, back in the classroom when she was holding your hand, that was different, okay ? I don't think she makes you weak. I - I think she actually gives you control. She's kind of like an anchor.

Scott : You mean because I love her.

Stiles : Exactly.

Scott : Did I just say that ?

Stiles : Yes, you just said that.

Scott : I love her.

Stiles : That's great. Now, moving on - 

Scott : No, no, no, really. I think I'm totally in love with her.

Stiles : And that's beautiful. Now, before you go off and write a sonnet, can we figure this out, please? Because you obviously can't be around her all the time.

You were meant to burn down the earth and graffiti the sky

Dear blog,


It’s been awhile since my last entry, but I’ve been pretty much busy with work.

And oh yeah, I met a boy.

We started off as friends, but then he baked me that cake… and after that, every time I saw him, my heart fReAkin skipped a beat. Like literally.

Not the, “Okay awkward” or nervous feeling you get when you start hanging out with someone new, but the kind that’s like, “OKAY WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY HEART OH BLOODY HELL I THINK I LOVE HIM” kind of way.

Who knew, he felt the same way too.

One fine day while we were sitting in his car listening to some music, he blurted:

“So… do you wanna be with me, like forever or…”

*Starts staring out the window towards the dark sky and shifted his eyes back to me*

“Or like… whatever”

I couldn’t help it. I started laughing.

He’s got to be the dorkiest guy I’ve ever met and I’m in love with him.

Even though I PROMISED myself I wouldn’t risk the chance of getting hurt again, for some reason when I’m with him, it all seems worth it.

He’s managed to pick up every piece of my broken, shattered heart and put it back together again; keeping one piece for himself and replacing it with a piece of his.


I love you Abdul Nazef Bin Abdul Arif, infinity times infinity <3

TBH
i. I may not know everything about you but I love everything I know
ii. You are funnier than my fav actor & you make me laugh until my sides hurt
iii. I'm too scared to get close to you in case I forget how to be alone
iv. I can love so hard that it hurts because hurt is all I've ever known

Our scars remind us that the past is real

Dear blog, 

So it’s been a while since I posted anything. I’ve been quite busy with life, and whatnot. To be honest, ever since the break-up I’ve been trying to occupy my time with work, friends and family but mostly with work. I thought I’d never say this, but work is the only thing that seems to make any sense in my life right now… which isn’t much I can say about my love life.

Basically, being single sucks. I’m not going to elaborate much on the sucky part because it just makes me feel like a loser. On the flip side, I get to have my own space and do whatever I want, without worrying about hurting another human being’s feelings. For example, I get to go home and crash whenever I want or hang out with mates without having to list down everyone’s name to my significant other. 

Recently, I’ve downloaded a few apps on my tab… ‘SayHi’ and ‘Skout’, to name a few. I’m not proud of myself. This has got to be the lowest moment in my life to be seeking something new… someone new… just to break the cycle of depression I was experiencing. In a way, it worked. Bonded with a few people who are currently still in my list of contacts. There were also a lot of perverts, to say the least.

Needless to say, I have deleted these apps yesterday because they were taking way too much space and eating up my battery life span.

Anyway, someone recently told me that every time he opened up to me, I push him further away with my walls. The truth is, I knew I was being overly rigid, but it still hurt when it was said bluntly to my face. I’m not perfect. My heart is broken, not just from the current break-up, but I guess from all the previous ones that just confirmed that guys are jerks. 

Hey, I know okay? Not all guys are the same, but just let me have my moment of silence to hate the other species for a while.   

I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to heal… I feel lost, and I don’t know my way, but I’ll be there soon.

* * * * * * *

- People think that the most painful thing in life is losing the one you value. The truth is, the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone too much and forgetting that you are special too.

People always say "it gets better" but no one ever tells you how or when

Well, Christmas finally happened and although it was different in so many ways this year, I guess it wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be.

It sucked without Grams though. 

For the first time, my siblings and I opened our presents right after midnight. Long gone are the days where we used to wake each other up on Christmas morning while tripping over ourselves trying to be the first one to hand Grams her present.

This year it was just Church, and then brunch at Hyatt.

It was okay I guess, except the part where Mom started crying quietly on the way to Church. I don't know whether it was due to the fact that my older sister was being a pain in the ass or because she was quietly reminiscing about Grams in her head. I guess both, but dang my sister for contributing to her tears...

The boogie and I did our best to cheer her up, but to no avail. Her tears just kept coming. In the end, we ended up not saying much. She needed it, I guess. Pent up emotions. It was pretty awkward.

Maybe next year things would be different. Less tears I hope.

On the flip side, I love all my gifts...

* * * * * * *

- People always say "it gets better" but no one ever tells you how or when. You spend endless nights thinking about that "better", believing it will never come. But it does, and the reason no one ever tells you how or when, is because nobody really notices it happening. One day you're going to be lying in bed and you're going to realize you're actually happy. And you'll try to think back on when that sadness started to lift and the happiness crept in, but you won't be able to remember. Because the happiness came piece by piece like a puzzle, never showing the full image until it was complete. Suddenly, everything's gotten better, even if a part of you knows it wasn't sudden at all. But until you find that "better", remember that feelings of loneliness and sadness doesn't last forever. Someday might not feel like soon enough, but it's closer than you think. And it's worth every second you spent waiting.

Woke up and wished that I was dead, with an aching in my head, I lay motionless in bed... I thought of you and where you'd gone, and let the world spin madly on

So yeah, 7 days to Christmas and I’m still not feeling the vibe yet. Waddup? 

I'm ashamed to admit that I've been feeling pretty lonely these nights. Been waking up on the couch almost every day now, I swear that thing is more of a bed than my actual bed would ever be.

No one has mentioned about the tree not being put up yet. I guess without grams around, no one really bothers to make the effort. It kinda sucks. 

To be honest, my favourite part of Christmas was waking up early and giving grams her present & seeing how happy she looked. I miss her so much. The day she left us seems so surreal to me now. In a way, I haven’t been thinking much about her recent death because it hurts too much… but this whole house is a constant reminder of her. 

I miss having coffee with her, or how she used to check up on me in the wee hours just to be sure I was getting the sleep I needed. Now, I am back to being the insomniac I was.

Passed her room that day and just stood there, staring at all her stuff… and crying like stooopid. 

Like wtf, where did all that emotion come from?

I feel like at this point in my life, I have everything going for me. So why do I still feel empty inside…

It’s 12:00 AM, and I'm still unable to sleep. It's like my brain is on overdrive. I just need it to stop thinking for once. 

I just really need a decent sleep.

What I Wouldn't Do to Write My Name on Your Heart

So I can’t help but notice that every person who’s tried getting close to me ends up being pushed away. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Like, I’d be having a decent conversation with a seemingly great guy and suddenly I just pull away. And they be hatin.

It’s my fault. It’s the commitment issue. I just can’t deal. I think I need therapy.

Stupid cold heart. Damn walls.  I've been subconsciously putting them up to a point that I no longer remember how to take them down. I miss making out but I guess deep down I just wanna fall in love at a slow pace. 

I wanna go on dates. Take long walks at night. Watch a movie. Read a book side by side. Go on a surprise picnic. Lay beside each other under the stars. Share a freakin' milkshake. Those kind of stuff. 

But this apparently, only happens in MOVIES.

'Cause you gave me the best mixtape I have

This is practically a historical day for me as I'm at home and not at work and just basically enjoying every minute of it. Listening to the rain outside my bedroom window, experiencing this throbbing headache from waking up so late, listening to music, catching up on my TV series, snacking... this is the life.

Random thoughts: I wonder if it's possible to fall for someone just by listening to the songs they listen to? Crap...

We bury our love in the wintery grave, a lump in the snow was all that remained.

So I came home today and surprisingly the front door was unlocked. YAS. I usually hate that part where I have to fumble for my keys and drop things because I’m such a clumsy oaf.

“I’m home! There’s cake!” I yelled. No reply. Some sneaky rat however, was rummaging through some stuff in the kitchen. “Dad? Is that you?”

Then this noise which sounded a lot like that kid from that Juon movie emanated from the kitchen. It was obviously my Dad, trying to impersonate that eerie child.

I swear, sometimes my own family creeps me out.

On another note, I have been stalking some lesbian’s blog for quite some time now. I got it from- Ok I don’t even remember which site but her writing’s pretty deep. I think I’m falling in love with her personality. What the hell is wrong with me? Like I read shit people blog or write about and after some time, I feel like I know them and start liking them for no apparent reason, no matter how fugly they turn out to be. Heck, they could be wearing a paper bag over their head while talking to me and my heart would still freakin' skip a beat. I guess I just like who I like.

My mission in life. To like someone from afar.

I really miss kissing though. I’m lonely okay, cut me some slack. Having a busy lifestyle is a lonely road. Maybe I should just have relationships where I don’t have to put too much effort in. You know the kind, where you just kiss and shit and go on with your lives without the dramas. Open relationship? Whatever. Always being the loyal one in every relationship messes you up. It’s true when they say that loyal people go through the most bullshit. I’m a crazy mess and right now, I don’t even know what I want anymore.

I just need to feel something, anything. Getting tattooed every time I feel dead doesn’t cut it anymore. 

I need magic. Fireworks. The whole shebang.

'Cause nothin' lasts forever, even cold November rain

So it’s been a few days since I opened a new FB Account. It's been weird. The first day, I just sat there scrolling through peoples pics and liking whatever. And then it hit me, like... I really miss my old friends. Ever since my account got hacked, I deleted it permanently out of anger. I should have just deactivated it. But NO, I had to disappear. Stupid EMO old me. Ever since then, I have prolonged creating a new one. I mean it took me 3 years to finally create a new account. Go figure. I don’t know why. Maybe I was just sick of all the bullshit then. And of that person impersonating me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for all the current people I’ve become friends with along the way, but at times I catch myself reminiscing about my old mates and how uncool it was for me to just go MIA. It’s like I died and have now returned from the dead. And yeah, people mourned your disappearance and shit, but the human heart heals and people move on and now the ghost is back and nobody gives a fudge. 

To be fair, I was busy. Working life isn’t all its cut out to be, you feel me? Okay, lame. Stop making excuses for yourself, girl.

Well, it’s not like I took the initiative to add everyone back anyway. But it still sucks… you know?

That feeling where nothing’s like it used to be anymore.

That stupid smile I get when I see a cute actor

So there I was, busy feeling sorry for myself for being sick and all while watching "Now You See Me".

And then- I fell in love. With a smoking hot Dave Franco.

Hey, he's got them skills yo. But mostly did his part just by being cute. xD

Everybody's looking at you like they wanna go home with you

1 Universe, 9 Planets, 204 Countries, 809 Islands, 7 Seas, and then you meet that someone;

Here's to all the broken hearts tonight, here's to all the fall-a-parts tonight

Happy Birthday Old Boy

Shout out goes out to my pal @Garr 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 

I keep remembering that I owed you some Starbucks coffee. Yet every time you're here, we seem to end up elsewhere, which is not Starbucks. xD

Thank you for keeping in touch all these years. I really appreciate your friendship, although it may not seem that way. I know I am always MIA but I will always try my best to meet up with you whenever you're around. 

Cheers to years of friendship. =)

Under a trillion stars, we danced on top of cars

Early Sunsets

Get Well Soon!

(Skype with the sick Lad)

Here's to the nights I can't remember

In loving memory of Marc Joel Bansh

And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.

Yet each time that I am tempted to surrender, I see it. The glimmer of goodness that allows me to believe.

Sometimes I Amaze Myself

Something creepy happened today.

It happened around 3 AM this morning. 

I was staring out my bedroom window, and noticed a swirl of smoke drifting above a pile of leaves beside the big old tree.

The more I stared at it, the bigger the smoke got until suddenly, it burst into flames. It was practically a bonfire.

I thought I was hallucinating, but the longer I stared, the bigger the fire got.

Eventually I ended up screaming like a lunatic, "Fire!" 

I know right, I'm such a dork.

When they say curiosity killed the cat, not this time though. Curiosity did not kill this "cat". In fact, curiosity SAVED this cat. If I hadn't bothered looking out my window into my yard, my room could have caught on fire, who knows. And this "cat" could have burnt to death!

Anyway, the whole fam came aboard my room to see what the commotion was all about and once again, Pops saved the day with a pail of water. Lol. Fine... it was pretty funny, actually.

Everyone was pondering about the cause of that flame. But I guess getting back into bed was more tempting than wrecking your brains out in the middle of the morning. Eventually everyone trudged back into their boudoirs. 

I don't know, maybe I have like this unknown super power or something. Like that kid in, 'Firestarter'.

Hmmmmm.

My grief from losing my grandmother is multiplied knowing that my mother just lost her mother.

R.I.P Gramma <3

Friends are Relatives You Make for Yourself

Well, hung out with the Kbk meister today after work. It's his last day before flying off to KL tomorrow to continue his studies. Kbk has been my best friend since like, forever. It would be weird with him gone for a couple of months before his next visit to KK. Good thing KL is just like a two hour flight from here. Still, gonna miss having spontaneous coffee and random hang-outs with you, dude. Now it would be just like, "Dude, wanna meet up? Oh yeah... that's right... you're THERE".

Anyway, got into a heated argument with the pops about a dern gecko. I came home to my "boudoir" and saw this little thing crawling on my coffee table where my laptop was. All hell broke loose ending in the pops trying to act all hero-like and crashing my FRAGILE hand painted wooden divider onto my bedroom floor. Seriously, Dad? Come on.

I wasn't all too happy about his heroic effort, as he nearly wrecked half the things in my room - including my bed which he managed to topple to the side in his clumsy attempt at conquering the creature that had cleverly slipped away for fear of the giant who was after it.

Suffice to say, I have yet to see that dang creature. Seriously, it has not crawled out of its hiding place, which conveniently happens to be under my bed.

Now how am I supposed to sleep tonight?

Couch Potato

Was a couch potato all day.

Due to pms okay, so was pretty much not feeling up to par. Started watching the tv series Misfits again. On to Season 3 now. Robert Sheehan is seriously my idol. I swear, the only reason I watch the Misfits is because of him.

Either way, counting the days till the City of Bones (Mortal Instruments).

Hopefully, all work load will be done by then so I'll be able to take a little trip down to the movies.